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POONAM'S STORY 

I lived in a violent marriage for years. I was very naive at first and really didn't know people like him existed. He would kick me, slap me, push me, trip me over, throw things at me, stand on my feet, yell abuse, call me names like ‘social cripple’, the list goes on and on, but he never punched me.
In fact he would say to people that he could'nt stand ‘wife bashers’. He would tell me that he didn’t want the children to play with so and so children because they were a bad influence.
He tried to isolate us from all those who loved us and new people we met would go through character assasinations by him.
Life was continous hell, fear and horror and he always blamed the children or me for his violence.
Things got a lot worse towards the end. He would threaten to run us all off the road in the car and kill us. The violence became a daily occurance if not several episodes a day.

How I coped

Basically i coped by trying to keep him happy so he would'nt do these things to us. I believed for a long time that it was my fault or the children’s. I cried a lot when he wasn’t home. I lost all my belief in myself. I was totally isolated and spoke to no one about what was happening. I do'nt think i really did cope except to hide it from the world and from myself.

How the situation changed

When his violence became much worse and was being directed at the children I changed. I began to read about self esteem and positive affirmations. I contacted a friend I used to know who worked in a Woman’s Centre and speaking to her made me realise we were not alone. Finally I began to see the reality of what was happening. When we left I believed he was going to kill us.

What helped me

The Domestic Violence Center women have helped me so very much. The support and understanding and sharing of experiences. Counselling, and I have done some violence recovery and self confidence courses. When the Family Court recognised what hell we went through and ordered absolute no contact for him with my children, was a big turning point in my healing. Good friends and family have been wonderful as well.

What I would say to others

If I could come and help you leave I would but it is you who has to do it. Leaving permanently is the only thing that will change the situation. You cant make him better no matter how much you love him. It is NOT your fault, it is his. You are a wonderful person and deserve so much better.
You are not alone, there are many people who know what you are going through. Reach out to people and contact support groups like those who own this website, they are the experts. Most of all believe in yourself and know you are strong.

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